I’ve decided that I’m going to buy a white Italian greyhound. His name will be the Thin White Duke, and I’ll make a little doggy ascot for him to wear. Every time he walks in to the room I’ll sing, “The retuuurn of the Thin White Duke! Throwing darts in lovers’ ey-hyyyees…”
His housemates will be three cats named Major Tom, Panther Princess and Halloween Jack. Major Tom will have a little bombadier helmet (because an astronaut helmet would cover his little face), Panther Princess a tiara, and Halloween Jack will wear oversized roller skates. I will never get sick of saying, “And Halloween Jack is a real cool cat, and he lives atop of Manhattan Chase,” especially when he gets on top of the fridge. And if he climbs the curtains I will get to say, “The elevator’s broke so he slides down a rope, down to the streets below! Go, Tarzan, go, man, go!” There will be a bulldog too named Diamond, who obviously would wear a diamond collar.
Then I will have a rooster named Ziggy and a hen named Lady Stardust. They will wear miniature go-go boots and sequin capes.
Finally, here will be a guinea pig called Hermione, a ferret called Iggy Pop, and a chinchilla called Freddie Mercury. Every Sunday we’ll have a Tofurkey roast, get hammered, and sing karaoke until the neighbors call the police. Of course I pick the best songs but Freddie Mercury is the best singer, and Major Tom does a wicked “Cold November Rain.”